Thursday, March 1, 2012

Self-Injury Awareness - not something to keep a secret

So it was brought to my attention that today is Self Injury Awareness Day. I thought it would be important to get the message out. Being a young adult author I have contact with many teenage girls and it breaks my heart to hear some of their stories. The things some of these kids have to deal with sickens me to the core, no one should have to put up with the kind of hurt that these kids are dealing with.

 Not that long ago I shared a story about a young girl I met on twitter and how she would cut herself and even attempted suicide. Pyria is now out of the hospital and on the mend. I talk to her frequently and have tried to make it known to her and others that I am always hear for an ear to listen to them. I by no means am a counselor, but that's not what I am offering, I'm offering friendship. Something that many young girls today struggle with. Now since I shared Pyria's story I have met another young woman on twitter going through similar issues. I talk to her almost daily. Last night she decided to share her story and has given me permission to share it with all of you today. 

My reason for sharing these stories is I want others out there to know they are not alone and to bring awareness to the outlets you or your friends can turn to in your time of need. Many people think that teens of even adults that harm themselves do it for attention, but it's the complete opposite. They do it for a release, many of them feel so much pain on the inside, emotional pain they they want to feel real physical pain. Others do it to numb themselves to the pain that others cause them. If they are physically, emotionally, or sexually abused many feel that their abuser can't hurt them if they hurt themselves. The other day at the supermarket my cashier had scars from cuts from her wrists to her upper arm. There were hundreds. One very famous young woman who has recently go to rehab is Demi Lovato, she also got "Stay Strong" tattooed on her wrists to remind her and her fans to stay strong. Now I want to share my new friends story and hopefully her story will help other out there.  Here is the "tweetlonger" post my young friend posted along with a picture of some of her scars. 

"  So I dont know how many of you guys will actually read this and help out but before I even write more, thank you so much if you do. 

So since I was like 7, if that, I have been abused. When I was little I didnt know that it was wrong, you know I just thought every other kid went through that. When I was 10 I think, the abuse kind of calmed down but it was still something I went through. By then I knew it was wrong, so I slowly started falling into this state of depression. But growing up since I was only a few years old I was known for being really quiet, to this day im still told that. But being how I was so quiet nobody ever knew why I was really quiet. So if they didnt ask, which nobody has ever once asked, I didnt tell them what was going on. 
But when I was 11, I started cutting. I still remember the very first time. The day was just a usual day for me, but for some reason that last hit I got really got to me. So then I went down to my room, I had a package of these things that had sort of a bladed edge. I took like 2 or 3 of them, lined them up and just took them to my wrist. Yes, it hurt but it calmed me. Just after that first cut, I guess you can say I became addicted to the pain. Everytime I would get put down, feel like im not good enough, get abused, or even just for a spilt second think of that first cut I would cut more and more and more. Nobody ever really knew because I would constantly wear a sweater or a long sleeve, if I wasnt wearing one then I would have bracelets on. But not once have I let anyone see my arms. Sometimes I would even put fake tattoos on or draw on my arms just to hide them, because I had cuts all the way up to my elbow. And this went on to about grade 7. And by then, the abuse was getting really bad. 
So then I was in grade 8. And I remember there was this group of girls in my gym class, and they were just showing eachother their arms right in the open, laughing about it. They were like, "oh this time I tried a knife, or this time I carved this persons name into my arm." and they were taking the whole thing as a joke. They were all cutting for fun, and there was about 5 or 6 of them. I didnt really think it was all that funny, they showed me and I kind of laughed it off but inside I felt like a joke. Because cutting was something that was going on since like grade 5, it was something that helped me and they just took it like a joke. 
I also remember this one time, it was the day before my birthday and i dont even remember the full story but i was being abused for the whole day. Like the whole works, I had cuts on the side of my face, a fat lip, bruises all over. And so that night was the first night I had attempted suicide. Im not going into detail but I didnt go through with it. 
Another time i was gone for the weekend and before I left I forgot to hide my things. So in the open I had this little box that had some blades, scissors, a bloody towel, some pills and other sharp things that I used and some old suicide notes. My sister was going through my room and found them. She showed my parents, they read everything but when I got back they just simply said "thats not good for you, dont do that?" I realized they didnt even care. They never tried to get me help. So it just kept going on. 
Another time I had tried to committ suicide was after the first time I had actually took a stand and filed charges against my dad last year. This is going to sound stupid but I regret it. only because of everything I went through just by making that one call. After that I was constantly blamed by EVERYONE and I mean everyone. My parents, my siblings, relatives and even my own great grandparents. I was blamed because I was the one who made the call and it was MY fault he wasnt allowed at our house to see my other little siblings, and it was MY fault CPS was involved, and MY fault because im such a fucked up person. And so every month passed we were supposed to go to court they kept putting it off, and it was almost a year later we finally went to court. Im not saying what happened there but all those months of being blamed and in such a deep depression and having nobody there for me, crying every fucking night was hell. I wanted help, I wanted to get better. I reached out to my mom once and tried letting her know how depressed I was and how bad I wanted help. Multiple times, ive attempted suicide. All those months I cutted everyday. And during this time, I stopped eating because I knew that eventually I would get sick to the point where I would just let go and then they can have everything back to how they wanted. I got over that a little but its still slightly here. I only eat like one meal a day and I know thats its not healthy. 

This isnt even my whole story, but I dont really want to go on because I feel I shouldnt even share this. Im afraid someone I know will see it and laugh. And I know you guys dont care because its just another story of someone whos emo and sucidal.. and all that. Most of you guys probably havent even read up to this point. but self harm, as much as I been through with it, this is MY story. I still havent gotten over my depression, to be honest its getting worse. I still cut. But its all thats there for me when nobody is. I want to give up because im getting nowhere. I dont have friends, ive lost them all. I get put down everyday. Self harm is something that I do, but when it comes to others im against it. Yes, im hypocritical. I DO want to get better, but its hard cause nobodys physically beside me helping me. Im the type of person who can tell someone I truly believe you are porcelain but when someone tells me I dont believe that at all. And i dont know why. 

I appreciate you guys, this took a lot of courage to write and took me forever to write but tomorrow is Self harm awareness day and I thought i would share. So you can tell me how much my life sucks, but remember this isnt my whole story... there is so much more I could share with you guys but I choose not to because I know for a fact ill be judged.
But to the point now, im making a video about self harm awareness, Marianas Trench and Simple Plan related so if you want to be involved but putting a simple message, a picture, a video or even share yur story, PLEASE dm me. I really want to make this video as inspirational as I can. You guys can share your story and if you want i can put it as anonymous. But please, I want people to be involved. Dm me?

You are all perfect porcelain and I love you!" 

If you or someone you know needs help here are some numbers you can call.
Call             1 800 668-6868      
 24-Hour National Crisis Hotline            1-800-448-3000      

National Suicide Hotlines


  1. My heart is breaking for her and I hope she knows by sharing her story he is beginning to help others and in doing so help herself. Love to you sweet angel.

  2. Thank you for your comment. I know how much a few words can mean to these wonderful girls.


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